Does it Come in Black?

I know that I need to grow up. Maybe if I started to dress a bit more like dedicated fictitious public servant Leslie Knope a dose of self-respect would head my way.  However, It’s coming up on dress season and Instagram knows just who to throw an ad at.

I’m by no means a fashion person, if it’s black, I’ll probably buy it and live in it. One of my favorite overused jokes around here is “have you seen my black shirt?”

But I do like my quirky dresses.

I think when my co-workers give me a hard time about things that it comes from a loving place. If not, this is a good time to let me know that I’m even more self-unaware than I realized. They do politely sass me about some of my unconventional dresses. I get called Ms. Frizzle from the children’s books “Magic School Bus.” I’ve also been told that some of my dresses look like the mom from the Bates Motel series. But they’re fun. I’ve got one with tattooed swimming ladies, one with Swedish fish, an atomic print one and more. I also have one with Ouija board designed that I only wear when I feel like I won’t have childhood flashbacks to a time when Ouija board and chanting “bloody mary” in a mirror made you nearly pee. And don’t forget the one I have specifically for shark week. (“We’re going to need a bigger boat.”)

Today’s times are generally far more casual. I’m thankful we don’t feel we need to don stockings and petticoats on the regular, but I also have something along the lines of envious appreciation for a time when everyone was just more fancy (I guess).

I’ll be travelling this week. I’m happy that I don’t have to worry about my fancy travel stilettos poking holes in the aircraft as was a genuine issue in the day. I’ll keep my stilettos see-through and for the body-building stage only, thank you very much. I will be comfortable when I travel. But I’ll also put in some effort. I want to look like I tried enough that I’m worth rescuing in the event of an emergency. “This one put on real clothes. She probably has something to live for. Get her to the choppa!!” I also feel bad when the TSA lady got for-real dressed to yell at me about my electronics before she pats me down while most of her patrons are all basically pajama-ing.

I won’t pack any dresses for my adventure. It’s not that kind of trip. And honestly, I think my dress phase may have outlived it’s purpose. I do enjoy not having to pick out a top AND a bottom when getting dressed, but wind and stuff. Plus the fact that for my lizard blood self the summer frozen tundra of the office landscape means whatever dress I have is often blanket covered.

Most of my clothes are either used or some cheap thing from Amazon. Today’s dress was still cheap because of who I am as a person, but as I looked at it I realized that dress size charts aren’t made for the gym girls. The chart is clear how big or small I need to be in the areas of bust, waist and hips, but paid literally no attention to the truly important measurements like delt cap to delt cap (shoulders) or biceps. Not that either of mine are huge, but they can make me look like I’m a lot out of place in a dress.

Even though my toddler sized muscles still make me run the risk that I’ll look like Chris Farley sized in his Gap girl sketch, and even though I’m not sure if I’ll feel like wearing dresses anymore, I ordered the dang thing. In black.

Thanks for reading!