Dick and Sandi: Love and No Cults

It really is a wonder that I wasn’t raised in a cult. Back when there were gyms and I spent time on treadmills, I watched a series about cults. Hopefully that’s normal-ish, and no, there wasn’t an episode about Crossfit.

The theme I noticed about all the ex cult members was that they all had indeterminable belief in the goodness of others. That’s precisely how my mom sees the world.

It occurred to me right then and there that my dad probably had to spend a fair amount of time making sure we didn’t end up in a cult. My mom is not gullible, but she wants people to be their best and will do whatever she can to support them. She’s known to buy from any number of the varied characters that have graced her studio over the years; Fuller Brush man, Schwann’s man, Avon ladies, the multilevel marketing vitamin people, you name it. Whether or not those things were “needed” in the household is open to debate. She does it because she believes in people and wants to help them.

Then there’s my dad.

One of his best attributes is how pragmatic he is. His realism is just about as opposite as it can get to my mom’s “everything is awesome” outlook. The way that their two perspectives work together is precisely how they accomplish all that they have.

My parents have been married 52 years. If that doesn’t impress you enough, I’ll add that my in-laws have been married 50 years. In a world where an accomplishment in commitment is more like “I was able to watch every episode of Breaking Bad,” the length of these marriages is astounding.

Anyone can be in a marriage (or committed relationship) when it’s easy. And, nothing can be easy for 52 years. Not even getting out a chair.

When they met, she was a 19 year old starry eyed waitress (that’s what servers were called back then). He was a 28 year old father and business owner. They dated a short time, and married quickly thereafter. You can ask them the mushy stuff. They’re my parents. I don’t need to know any of that.

I don’t know that they intentionally set out to push each other to succeed, but that’s how it looks from the outside. They both believed that the other was capable of whatever was needed to be achieved. Every single idea. Some of the things they’ve believed the other could pull off would test even a 1967 vintage marriage. The challenges of co-parenting, trying to have children, uprooting for a new life, career changes, family crises, recession, and more recession, the whole gamut.

Divorce happens a lot now. When I was growing up, not so much. I remember one story when so-and-so left so-and-so after 32 years of marriage. I was trying to gossip with my dad about it in that beautiful wood and corrugated metal shop on the ranch. Mr. Practical with a dry sense of humor, “Yea I don’t know what I’d do if you mom left me after 32 years.” Then a pause and twinkle, “I guess I’ll never get that lucky.” I’m sure he was joking. Pretty sure.

They didn’t get to 52 years without pissing each other off on the regular. Mom’s people don’t need to see my dad to know if he’s in trouble. My mom’s an artist. There’s a disturbing degree of realism when she draws a literal asshole with legs on her white board. It’s the unquestionable sign that he’s in trouble.

We are constantly barraged with images of what love is supposed to look and feel like. We measure ourselves and our relationships to unrealistic standards. Fuck you advertising and media.

Love isn’t hearts/flowers/diamonds. It’s not first kisses or 100% smiley days. It’s waking up every day for 52 years choosing to be married. It’s keeping your partner out a cult and making sure your partner knows when they are being an asshole.  It’s being true to yourself and really being in partnership with someone who makes you want to be better. It’s seeing the other as you saw them when you fell in love with them. My dad turned 81 recently. My mom posted, “This gorgeous hunk of male flesh sitting right there in front of you. He still makes my liver quiver.” She’s back to the starry eyed waitress meaning every word of what she says. He’s back the young entrepreneur believing that there’s nothing they can’t do.