It’s the time of my prepping for bikini competition where I have moments of doubt coupled with moments of time to think. That’s not the best combination.
On the upside though, it creates circumstances where I try to learn new things. Thanks Spotify for the pod casts and (judge if you must) guided meditations. Before you cast me in to the group that is convinced the illuminati are to blame for the price of eggs, hear me out. If you can overcome the painfully soothing voices and spa music, some of those meditations have some decent messages worth listening to.
This morning, the one that rotated through was on self trust.
When I “relaxed inside myself” did I really see an orb of pure white light that moved from the size of a pinpoint to (ironically) the size of a watermelon? No. Not in the slightest. I’m not judging if you do these things and you do end up with melon orbs, but that’s just not my experience.
The experience wasn’t wasted though.
The melon orb was supposed to signify “intuition.” K.
At the end of the calming directions, auditory Xanax said, “Ask your intuition what you need to know.”
There was still time remaining in the tanning bed (gotta be Oompa Loompa colored for bikini comps *eyeroll), so as lame as it seemed; I did internally ask myself what I need to know.
I was metaphorically crisply slapped into attention with the thought “it’s going to be okay.”
After I stopped being shocked that anything came to my brain, I began to promptly over think things. “What’s going to be okay?! Am I missing the opportunity to worry about something?!”
I was able to promptly come up with a list of things about which to worry. Some big, some small, some of my own creation, some outside of my control completely. But then I thought it again “it’s going to be okay.” It was like that’s the branded answer for whatever ______(insert worry here) was.
Okay. That’s not a bad message I guess, but where does a thought like that come from?
One of my Sunday post gym fave things to do is to try to learn stuff on ye olde computer.
Today I landed on a video about 8 Signs You Don’t Trust Yourself. It sounded like maybe it’d be about how someone shouldn’t have a credit card or be solely in charge of whether or not they cut bangs in their hair.
It was an interesting 6 minutes that wasn’t about credit or hair at all.
They start in the classic pop psychology/graduation speech fashion of having the definition of a word. “Trust is firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.”
According to the cute little cartoon guy, the signs to know if you struggle to trust yourself are:
- You second guess your decisions: A cue for of this applies is when you struggle to decide. Their example was choosing between pancakes and waffles, but I’m sure this could apply to lots of other decisions too, like things at work.
- You overthink everything: After cartoon guy landed on pancakes, he wondered how good the waffles were and if he made the right choice.
- You trust other people’s opinions more than your own: How is a cartoon guy supposed to know if pancakes or waffles are better?!
- You don’t validate your own experiences: The cartoon guy had the feeling of “I swear that I remembered to do that” but then completely felt that he hadn’t and doubted himself. In my life, this one looks like I’ve walked a fair amount away from the car and then feel like I didn’t lock the car so I walk back and “boop” the key fob again just in case.
- You’re afraid to speak up; you back away from being the center of attention: Cartoon guy was afraid of being judged even in groups of close friends.
- You try to control everything: Cartoon guy found himself taking charge and planning ahead with hypervigilance. The message was that religiously planning ahead can be a result of worrying that you don’t feel like you can trust yourself if there’s curve balls. Think person who gets their fam to the airport at 2 am for the 8 am flight.
- You struggle to recognize your worth: Cartoon guy felt embarrassed when people compliment him. And no matter how many compliments he got, he continued to sell himself short.
- You’re overly critical of yourself: Cartoon guys is always the first to point out his own mistakes. He maybe follows it up with some statement to normalize falling on a sword that no one asked him to with comments like “it’s my Catholic guilt” or whatever.
I resonated with some of the 8 signs. Especially that one where you don’t want to be the center of attention (Golden State Championships bikini competition 3/25 in San Jose BWAH HA!). But the rest of that resonating can be daunting. How is knowing that maybe you don’t trust yourself supposed to be helpful?!
Thankfully cartoon guy brought it back around. You can cultivate self trust. You can doubt, but still have hope that you’ve got the internal tooling to make good choices.
Essentially, just listen to your own illuminated watermelon and know that it’s all going to be some kind of okay.
Thanks for reading!
Bifocals and Barbells 