It was bad. So bad. But still worth it. I’m not sure if you’ve heard, but the whole “restrictions-on-freedom-that-change-rapidly-with-little-justification” thing has been a bit of a struggle for me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m super happy that the world reopened again. I just get more than a little confused about what causes the rules to change.
But I was sooooo excited that movies were re-opening; I was going to go, period. There was nothing I really wanted to see, but I wanted to fling $23 at a business to let the know that I’m thankful they haven’t had to shutter.
What to see though? Unhinged looked interesting, but my unrealistic criteria blocked that one.
Russell Crowe in Mystery Alaska or as Maximus in Gladiator,…there’s not a whole lot better. However, time doesn’t look like it’s been particularly kind to the Aussie.
“Crystal! Should you really be all ageist about someone?! You. Are. 49!!!”
I hear you. It’s not his age. I am also the person who embarrassed her husband at the theater once swooning aloud about an aged actor. 65 year old Sean Connery has a line in The Rock. Something about being less assaulted by the prisoners. He says, “Maybe I’m losing my sex appeal.” I yelled out to the giant screen, “No! No you haven’t!”
So, it’s not about age, it’s just,… where are Russell Crowe’s people? They should be telling him to lay off the salt, or the liquor, or whatever.
As a result of my unreasonable standards, The New Mutants was the movie of choice. It’s Marvel. Marvel is like pizza, even bad pizza is better than no pizza. Right?
I’d have preferred one wedge salad to a million shit pizzas that was last night’s movie.
I can’t really put my finger on the why of the suck. It wasn’t that it was a ridiculous plot, I’m love me a super hero movie. I can even turn a bifocal-ed eye to mediocre special effects. So I can’t say for sure why it was so bad. It may have tapped into my omnipresent social worker stuff. I’m thinking the intended audience may be pre-teens/teens. If so, impressionable teens deserve better stories. I wanted to punch in the face both the over-accented characters from Kentucky and Columbia. I’m not sure how they did it, but even the parts of the story that could’ve been interesting got ruined. I wanted to pick it apart the entire time. Even though Brian stayed awake for the whole thing, I tried to be respectful of other movie goers. Maybe they liked the movie, and my repeated “Are you fucking kidding me?” could be perceived as disrespectful to their movie-going experience. (yea…I’m failing at saying “fuck” less. Progress, not perfection).
But there was movie popcorn(!!!!!!), and a giant cherry coke. And because the movies are worried people are never going back to them, “dinner” only cost $8.50. I ate so much popcorn that I woke up this morning looking like Russell Crowe in Unhinged.
And that made it all worth it. So, go. See movies. Enjoy yourself. Don’t let my weird values deter you. There’s at least 3 other movies to choose from. Maybe you’ll enjoy one of those. Maybe you’ll enjoy The New Mutants. Maybe you’ll hate The New Mutants and you can take your besties to coffee afterwards and enjoy bitching about it. But just go.
Thanks for reading!
Bifocals and Barbells 