I would like to be a sucker for those e-quizzes. You know, the modern day version of answering six questions in Cosmo to see if “he’s the one for you” or something. However, I’ve had years of mandated training about the perils of some of these electronic personality quizzes. While I WANT the internet to tell me what Atlantic crustacean is most like my personality, I KNOW that it’s risky to give my mother’s maiden name and my social security number to find out.
As a result of years of training against such dangers, I decline to ask the supreme being of the internet a question that is very important to me; what breed of dog would I be?
I’ve asked some people I know IRL, but not surprisingly this is a question not everyone has a prepared answer for. Then, circumstances change and yadda yadda yadda, you’re still left wondering.
This came up for me today as I was “exercising” Dirty and Gus’ new adorable chocolate lab pup, Ace. Quotes around exercise, because honestly there’s very little for me to do but chuck the ball over and over. And over.
It made me think of earlier this year when I was invited to compete at a bodybuilding thing because I’m “easy to take.” I don’t think the comment was meant for me to think I’m comparable to a labrador, what was meant is “we tell her what’s needed and she runs with it.” Much like Ace understood the assignment of fetch as exercise.
Ace is the 5th lab I’ve known. Rex, Ruger, Dozer, Max, and Ace have many similarities. They have all been very eager to please. They are social to a fault, doing all things in their canine power to garner attention. If there’s not enough exercise, they will implode. They are trusting and loyal beyond reproach.
Don’t worry that I’m lumping all “good boy” behavior of all dogs together. Lest ye not forget, whilst a chocolate lab fan I am; I also have experiences with multiple cow dogs and mixed breeds.
Cow dogs are also very eager to please but it’s for whom they serve at that moment. Change the alpha, and their loyalty quickly switches. If humans, they’d be great spies ready to excellently serve whatever cause is the cause of the day. They’re also fiercely territorial. PSA to people who may not already know: Do NOT approach a cow dog you don’t know in the back of a truck. They’re certain you’re there to end the truck owner’s bloodline and will defend their steel rectangle to death if needed. Whether that death is yours or theirs is of little deterrent for them.
You don’t so much own a cow dog. It’s more like they’re your roommate whose only needs for you stem from your opposable thumbs and ability to drive. Their independence, intelligence, and motivation are also qualities most humans would like to say they embody.
But I don’t think I can say I’m a cow dog.
My tendencies are a bit more lab-realistic.
One expert page says the Lab “matures slowly, remaining a spirited teenager for several years.” Adding “It sounds fun…. but does require patience and training to manage.” Sounds familiar.
They add, “These athletic, bouncy dogs need regular opportunities to vent their energy and do interesting things.” Can relate.
The Labrador Retriever was the most popular dog breed for 31 years according to the American Kennel Club. This means they’re damn ass basic. Get them a pumpkin spice latte as soon as the leaves change color and be mindful they may want to talk to you about making 5k/month from your phone. While I’m not a danger for promoting multilevel marketing, I am pretty dang basic. I mean, I did buy the black Uggs (Goth is not a phase), but I bought the Uggs.
Maybe if I had different dogs, I would think my personality is more like theirs. Maybe my similarity to English Bulldogs doesn’t end at our overdeveloped trapezius muscles. Who knows?
But what I do know is that in the time that I’ve been writing this, Maximus wandered in needing nothing more than a kiss on the top of his stinky head to sustain him through whatever dog tribulations await him. It’s the dog version of “Do you still love me?” “Yes I still love you. Go take nap 27 of the day and wake up in need of full-send exercise even though you’re 52 years old in people years.”
He then let me cuddle his oversized head as long as I needed then curled up next to me on the floor quietly eager to be still or to go full send in whatever shenanigans.
So forget you sketchy internet quiz. These lab traits are giving me answers I agree with without even having to “accept all cookies” or provide you with my credit card number.
And with that, I’m off to retrieve my groceries and be a loyal warrior and proud server who hopefully doesn’t get kibble stuck in her jowls.
Thanks for reading and let me know what kind of dog you think you are (but don’t do the internet test that’s run by the Nigerian prince who just needs your money for a short time)
Bifocals and Barbells 