cemetery recipes – Bifocals and Barbells

“It’s getting harder to believe this isn’t personal” I scoffed as a came back in from an unsuccessful search for a CR1320 battery.

I’m not a person who erroneously believes the universe cares enough to be out to get them. I do however believe that moping begats moping and if you want to have the kind of day where your belt loop gets caught on the door handle, you can 100% generate that kind of negativity. So even though I try to spawn positive energy, the batteries tested me.

How did I provoke the cosmos?

Well, it was a day just like today. I was in beautiful coastal Ferndale, California getting in some steps in the community cemetery. It’s not as weird as it sounds. Or maybe it and there’s just an increasingly large group of weirdos who do the same. This cemetery has great tales to share dating back to the1800’s. The hills are steep and the views are glorious. Paired with coastal weather of perfection, there was really nothing else needed to ice the day.

Then I saw the Hammils.

According to the front of their marble headstones engraved with sensible font, they are both still with us. They are also hilarious (BTW: anyone ever seen a comic sans serif font headstone?)

Mr. Hammil’s marker says “Oops, I should have listened to my wife,” hers, “Yeah. Look where we ended up.”

The fact that they did this was already chef’s kiss. Add to that the fact that they did it while still alive so they could know people’s reaction is priceless.

I grinned from ear to ear, took a picture, and wandered on. Unbeknownst to me, Mrs. Hammil’s headstone was like an infomercial baiting, “But, wait….! There’s more!” It wasn’t until exiting the cemetery that I saw the back of the headstone where the same sensible font caught my eye with a recipe for “A Good Carrot Cake.”

Fuck yeah, Christine! In one swoop call awareness to the temporariness of human existence and the permanence of legacy. Her essence will not stay forever on the earth, but her Good Carrot Cake will. In an age when most of my recipes are channeled to me in 15 second increments by the gods of algorithms, Mrs. Hammil made sure to etch her directions in stone for all to enjoy.

Naturally, I was going to make that recipe. I was excited to do so and to share with my co-workers. How often does one get to eat something from a headstone recipe?!

Also, naturally, I had to channel my inner goth/Miss. Frizzle and wear something befitting a graveyard dessert. Luckily, I just happen to have a dress with Ouija board print perfect for the occasion.

And that’s where I believe I invited the universe to fuck with me.

The cupcakes were delicious. There was nothing wrong there. I mean, REALLY yummy. Like, to die for. *eyeroll

However, let me present a list of things that were jacked up that day.

My FULL cup of coffee spilled in a place like my office (but not at all near my computer, thank Jeebuz!)
My State computer port ceased working, completely hobbling my work progress (legitimately not at all related to the coffee)
My Starlink/Internet fully died with no anticipated fix for 7-10 days (reminder: I have ZERO cell signal at my house no internet means no ANYTHING!)
1. Trying to get this fixed caused it’s own level of frustration when The Almighty Elon’s phone service closed at 4 pm CST and redirected me to try to address the issue ON THE WEB!
My car’s key fob battery died
A small parchment paper related fire started in my air fryer
A slightly less small bacon grease related fired started in my oven

In the midst of all this shenanigan, I was eager to have something get successfully completed in my adventures. This led me to 2 different stores in 2 separate towns to at least try to buy a battery. How hard could that be, right?

So anyways, after being skunked on even the most basic of tasks, even a non-believer has to wonder if they’ve angered the gods in some way. I really like that dress. It will get worn again to test any hypothesis of its unnatural power. I also really liked Christine’s recipe. And before I incinerate a cute outfit, I’ll have to retest making her deliciousness to see if something there was the cause of debauchery. Perhaps this time I’ll follow the direction of using 3 9-inch cake pans instead of making cupcakes. Maybe that will keep her from turning over in her grave (whilst still alive) and keep my mojo in check.

Thanks for reading!