I’m Broken – Bifocals and Barbells

Bitches Be Tripping

I’ve been walking upright for over 49 years. I should have it pretty dialed in by now. Yesterday makes me question that.

The first incident happened before 7 am. I was at the gym walking towards the Smith machine. I was worried I was going to forget to take the weights off like some sort of caveman with no social skills. Leaving the weights out is like leaving your dirty dish in the sink and NEVER addressing it again. They should both be punishable by severe legal actions.

The repeat loop played in my head, “Don’t forget your weights. Don’t forget your weights.” I stared at them so intently that I failed to, you know…., WATCH WHERE I WAS GOING. The electrical cord to the fan that’s been there the entire time tried to take me down. Polite gym owners apologized and said that maybe they should illuminate the cord. I pointed out that it seems everyone can navigate it just fine, so the issue really could be isolated to me.

I made it about 30 minutes before my next failure. The pavement is uneven next to the work building I shower in between the gym and my work day. It didn’t just become uneven, it’s been like that the entire time I’ve walked that stretch. But, I was in my usual mode of trying to do more than one thing at a time, and pretty hopped up on post workout endorphins. Half-assed walking, half-assed on my phone, full-assed not paying attention to my surroundings.

I was sporting the Danksos, the official shoe of social work. They’re clogs with an elevated heel, skilled at their ability to roll an ankle when the urge strikes them. When it happened, I flailed about a hard as a little person can. Leg joints crumbled me into a human sized push puppet. I carry with me all the things a lady needs to get ready for a work day, from hair dryer, to towel, to lady facial war paint. I’m not sure what gods smiled upon me to grant me the ninja move to prevent myself from becoming a upended turtle right there on the road, but I’m thankful for their intervention. Upon recovery, I immediately looked around hoping beyond all hopes that someone saw it and got a great laugh. No dice.

I was then able to walk safely for a couple of hours. I was growing comfortable in my ability to stride.

But then the master of my universe probably decided I needed to be humbled. A quick smack to remind me of the importance of staying focused.

Part of my job includes reviewing stacks of documents. There’s a LOT of them because people in my office work very hard. This makes my desk untidy. As a result, when I’m done with a stack, I theatrically drop it on the floor so I can 1) feel rewarded by the thud it makes and 2) keep it separate from the other stacks. I don’t know if you’re aware; but between sheets of paper, there is not a lot of friction. They slide easily against each other. Therefore; if you have them on your floor, you should be mindful of their location. Otherwise you may step on them and take a brief skate resulting in your 3^rd (!!!) near fall of the day.

At this point, it would seem the universe was just messing with me. As I left work, those same Danskos sought out a very rolly twig that sent me unexpectedly gliding again. I stopped and looked down at it with my best “Really?” face.

Obviously, this much ineptitude in one day demands it be dinner chat. After dinner, we when to the gym for a gathering/Chad Bushnell private show. As I headed towards the bathroom, Brian thought he was joking when he told me “Don’t trip.” *eyeroll

But I did! I did trip again!

This time also because I wasn’t watching where I was going so I didn’t see the mats that where right there the entire time.

Someone may read this and wonder if I’m okay. Yes (mom), I am okay. And, no (mom) I don’t need to see a doctor or have Web MD tell me I’m nearly out of time. I just need to pay attention to where I’m going and maybe try doing more things full-assed than 1/2 assed or 1/3 assed.

Thanks for reading!

The Ew! Mutants

It was bad. So bad. But still worth it. I’m not sure if you’ve heard, but the whole “restrictions-on-freedom-that-change-rapidly-with-little-justification” thing has been a bit of a struggle for me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m super happy that the world reopened again. I just get more than a little confused about what causes the rules to change.

But I was sooooo excited that movies were re-opening; I was going to go, period. There was nothing I really wanted to see, but I wanted to fling $23 at a business to let the know that I’m thankful they haven’t had to shutter.

What to see though? Unhinged looked interesting, but my unrealistic criteria blocked that one.

Russell Crowe in Mystery Alaska or as Maximus in Gladiator,…there’s not a whole lot better. However, time doesn’t look like it’s been particularly kind to the Aussie.

“Crystal! Should you really be all ageist about someone?! You. Are. 49!!!”

I hear you. It’s not his age. I am also the person who embarrassed her husband at the theater once swooning aloud about an aged actor. 65 year old Sean Connery has a line in The Rock. Something about being less assaulted by the prisoners. He says, “Maybe I’m losing my sex appeal.” I yelled out to the giant screen, “No! No you haven’t!”

So, it’s not about age, it’s just,… where are Russell Crowe’s people? They should be telling him to lay off the salt, or the liquor, or whatever.

As a result of my unreasonable standards, The New Mutants was the movie of choice. It’s Marvel. Marvel is like pizza, even bad pizza is better than no pizza. Right?

I’d have preferred one wedge salad to a million shit pizzas that was last night’s movie.

I can’t really put my finger on the why of the suck. It wasn’t that it was a ridiculous plot, I’m love me a super hero movie. I can even turn a bifocal-ed eye to mediocre special effects. So I can’t say for sure why it was so bad. It may have tapped into my omnipresent social worker stuff. I’m thinking the intended audience may be pre-teens/teens. If so, impressionable teens deserve better stories. I wanted to punch in the face both the over-accented characters from Kentucky and Columbia. I’m not sure how they did it, but even the parts of the story that could’ve been interesting got ruined. I wanted to pick it apart the entire time. Even though Brian stayed awake for the whole thing, I tried to be respectful of other movie goers. Maybe they liked the movie, and my repeated “Are you fucking kidding me?” could be perceived as disrespectful to their movie-going experience. (yea…I’m failing at saying “fuck” less. Progress, not perfection).

But there was movie popcorn(!!!!!!), and a giant cherry coke. And because the movies are worried people are never going back to them, “dinner” only cost $8.50. I ate so much popcorn that I woke up this morning looking like Russell Crowe in Unhinged.

And that made it all worth it. So, go. See movies. Enjoy yourself. Don’t let my weird values deter you. There’s at least 3 other movies to choose from. Maybe you’ll enjoy one of those. Maybe you’ll enjoy The New Mutants. Maybe you’ll hate The New Mutants and you can take your besties to coffee afterwards and enjoy bitching about it. But just go.

Thanks for reading!