I count myself lucky that I have as many great examples of fatherhood as I do in my life.
Obviously my own dad knocked it out of the park with his fathering. His way included making sure he was a great provider who instilled important values such as hard work, self-determination, and how to start off on a hill with a stick shift. He also passed down his wicked sharp sense of humor. I look at the two smarty pants I spawned and directly trace their razor sharp wit back to their grandpa. I’m thankful for the work he did.
His dadding style is one of many. There’s not one exact right way to be a dad. There’s a lot of right ways.
I went to a wedding last night for some children. They’re not really children, but they’re the same age as my children so therefore I can not accept that they are of a suitable age for marriage. (Where does the time go?) I got to see multi-generational examples of quality dads. There were many differences between them be it age, culture, adversity, etc. But there was also the commonality that in their own ways, their goal was to do raise their kids the very best they can.
In the grand scheme of things, our time to parent is short. The chaos and hard work that it takes can sometimes make it feel like it’s never going to end, but all too quickly, it does. In that short window, you have choices in how you’re going to approach your crucial tasks.
I saw a cool thing on the internet recently that talked about the difference between trying to engineer your kids versus shepherding your kids. Essentially, it says that parents do not get to design their children. Smart doctor man who shares the info says that all children are born with 400 psychological traits that develop as they mature. He shatters (some) beliefs when he adds that how those develop has nothing to do with the parent. He says that children are not a blank slate on which parents get to impose their will. Smart doctor man tells parents to instead think of themselves as a shepherd to a unique individual instead of as someone who can force a particular outcome.
He goes on to describe the critical importance of shepherds. They pick the pastures where the sheep grow, they make sure they protect the sheep from harm. But no shepherd is going to turn a sheep into a something other than the sheep they were born as.
Smart doctor man wasn’t saying that children are mindless sheep. He was making a parallel between the vulnerability of kids and the importance of knowing our role as parents.
Kids are unique individuals who will, too soon, grow and prosper. Build them the habitat, then enjoy watching it unfold in whatever glorious fashion it does. Maybe you are raising the D-1 football player. Someone is. Maybe you got the funniest kid in 3rd grade. Maybe you’ve got the kid who will overthrow a regime even if it’s a regime that only exists for them. Cherish it any which way it develops.
All the amazing “kids” I saw last night have parents who’ve done this to varying degrees. Folks who’ve chosen pastures for their kids in which their uniqueness can flourish. I don’t know that these dads and moms think of it in those terms, but when you can see that there’s admiration and pride in the individual kids, you know it’s there.
As a wise man says, making children and raising children are two very different skill sets. I don’t know if there’s a more true statement. So on this day in which we honor the dads, thank you to those who’ve done what you could to make sure your kids were safe, cared for, and allowed to grow in to the unique beings they are.
Happy Father’s Day!
Bifocals and Barbells 