I’m not sure how many places you can get lasting muscle tension and a sore throat for $25, but Dreams of Darkness is one. Part of that muscle tension was in my face, because after each of my many screams, I smiled so hard my face hurt.
My brother Josh and his girlfriend Liz are both younger than me. It was clear that they were counting on me to be the “mature one” to lead the charge on this adventure. “This was your idea” was the real reason; but even at that, Josh had to literally shove me in to going first.
I’d hoped that the couple of things I’d heard about the haunted house would position me well for coming across as “tough” or “emotionally stable.” One coworker told me that on the night she went there were only 2 actors who jumped out and scared them. Apparently the rest were on some zombie union break that night because I’m pretty sure roughly a million jumped out at us.
I was already wringing my hands and doing my best impression of a turtle before we even walked in. I’d squealed during the photo before we got in line. I looked at unscathed kids as they exited the haunt and told myself (and anyone within earshot) that if they were fine, I’d be fine too.
Shortly after entering, some miner masked mother-trucker gave a minimal “ah” as he stepped in front of me. I screamed and followed it up with “I don’t want you to scare me.” He casually replied, “I already did.” Then did the “ah” thing again. Surely I wouldn’t scream again. I did.
Josh did have to keep pushing me along. I kept screaming. Somehow, I was able to get behind Liz and hide. I stayed behind her the whole rest of the way. Screaming and laughing. She’ll probably get her hearing back in a couple weeks.
The whole thing was set up so well. There were great props, spaces that closed in on you, smells, and sounds. They did a great job of tension building by not having a jump scare at every corner, but enough jump scares that you expected one at every corner.
Those that did jump out knew the exact right amount of creepy to be. They’d get their reward of a shriek, then I’d have a fleeting moment of composure in which I’d compliment them, “That was a good one. You really got me. Nice work.” Then they’d scare the crap out of me again.
It has to be so gratifying to be a haunt zombie. If you get some Karen mom like me who tries to disrupt the flow with conversation, just jump right at her and shut her down with terror.
I may give that a try next time someone’s talking to me and I’m done listening.
Imaginary boss: “I’m going to need you to get me those TPS reports. Don’t forget the fax cover sheet.”
Me: *put on a scary mask, flex up on imaginary boss, and let out blood curdling yell.
My real bosses are used to my shenanigans so there is no danger of me doing this in real life, but maybe you can try it.
I also tried talking the spine chilling clown who appeared out of nowhere in my face and quietly asked me, “Do you want to play?” I screamed (obviously) then said, “No. No, I don’t want to play.” Pennywise moved closer still to me. He said something else, but I don’t know what because I was (wait for it…) f’n screaming again!
The cast didn’t all jump out and scream. Some were even creepier still by their absence of movement followed by just subtle shift such as turning their heads to look at you. Or that one lady who I swore was an animatronic until she looked at our group and said “We like squealers.” Even though she was probably talking about Josh (kidding), I squealed at the top of my lungs.
When my heart rate recovers I’d like to go again. So much effort was put in to each room. And some of those rooms I wasn’t able to see very much of. I had like dirt in my eye, or something, it made me keep my eyes closed. It’s probably a medical condition for which I should see a doctor. There’s no way I was just too creeped out by the Christmas scene room or the room with the old timey music playing. They had enough haunt in there to tap in to a variety of people’s fears. A little something for everyone.
I’m pleased to say that I was unscathed. I did not pee myself. I do have a sore throat. I did enjoy the crap out of the event. And I did have a minor cardiac issue when I was home alone and there was a noise that was either a goblin coming to get me, ooooor….the ice machine in the freezer. It really could have been either one.
The event was easy to participate in. They sell tickets for specific time blocks so you don’t have to worry that you’ll end up standing in line for an hour just to have something close. It’s definitely recommended. Just make sure you bring your ear plugs if you’re going when I’m there.
Thanks for reading!
Bifocals and Barbells 