In the last couple weeks I’ve had several “opportunities” to think about “feelings” in an attempt to experience “personal growth.”
It’s been “fine.” (intentional excessive use of quotations)
Don’t worry. There’s no dramatic reveal here. Just my notes on some introspection. I won’t be offended if your read stops here.
Validation. Why do some people need it more than others? And what are they to do with that need?
In a fun cycle of events, my curiosity about why reassurance can be so important led to reading up on it, then writing about it, which technically is looking for reassurance.
Nevertheless, here we be. Still.
The most common explanation I found on reassurance was that we’re biologically wired for it. The idea is that we’re born dependent,…yadda yadda,…social creatures,…blah blah.
Cool. But how does someone know if their need for validation is normal?
I think I was looking litmus test of “if you ____, you’re too needy.” It turns out, that’s not how it goes. Your needs are interdependent with the needs of others.
The first step is becoming aware of what your needs are. This requires more honesty than everyone may be comfortable with. Don’t weed out the needs that you think are inappropriate, or paint you in a light different than what you’d like to be. Take the freedom to lay it all out there.
You can take comfort in being honest with even your most uncanny needs, because…guess what? Just having a need does NOT create an obligation for it to be filled. There is so much worth and freedom from the knowledge that we’re not that important.
After individual needs are called to awareness, the next step is to see if those needs are:
1) Realistic: Everyone must think pistachio truffles are the best.
2) Able to be filled by the required entity: I want pistachio truffles, but this director doesn’t make truffles. He gives oranges.
3) In conflict with the needs of others: I want to eat all the pistachio truffles, but Karen also wants to eat all the pistachio truffles. Uh oh.
4) In conflict with other perceived needs: I need the soothing sensations that come from chocolate gorging, but I also need to not suffer the consequences of chocolate gorging. Looks like you win this round, Karen. This round.
5) Actually a need: What’s really at stake if I don’t get pistachio truffles?
(Sure, the intention of this post is about emotional needs, but when given choice to talk about feelings or pistachio truffles, the truffles will win. Every time.)
The next step is determining if you can articulate the need.
If you can’t, you don’t get to be pissed if it’s not met. Also, if you can’t, what’s driving that? Run your need through the list above and see where the change needs to happen.
I’m sure as fuck not an expert, I’ve got no idea where the sweet spot is between emotional self-reliance and inter-dependence. There’s some magical emotional place where we can know that we can draw on our own resources to get our needs met, without becoming too guarded or isolated.
As of now, there is no blood test developed to determine if a person is the right level of inter-dependant. Sadly, there is also not yet a pharmaceutical way to recalibrate someone’s need for validation.
So; until that time, the best I can strive for is to take responsibility for my emotions. Responsibility is power. Blaming external circumstances gives power away (someone’s brilliant words, but not mine).
Bifocals and Barbells 