Self Reliant

Dan graduated from college.

There’s a million reasons to love that young man. I won’t list them all (not today at least). One of my favorite attributes about him though is his subtle independence. He does what needs to be done. He winces at recognition. He’s more than content to kick ass quietly. Which he really did with this whole college thing.

Have you been to Stockton? Not slamming a city at all, just pointing out that it’s not Cottonwood. I mean, it’s REALLY not Cottonwood. Once while Daniel was home from school he’d mentioned in passing that there were 7 murders in town the last week. I thought sure he was exaggerating. Maybe trying to inspire a little worry from his mommy. I googled it. He wasn’t. That was the first and last time I looked at the Stockton Record when he was down there.

So how is it that a young man who’s never left C’wd for more than several days was able to uproot, move in a travel trailer to a place where he know no one, and be the rocking success that he was?

It didn’t come from his mom. I’ve envied people who’ve done things like travel to Thailand on social work excursions. I can’t even get myself to try Thai food without lots to prep, emotional support, and such.

It’s a reminder that we make humans, but despite our genetics and parenting influences, they kind of come to life with their own unique traits and personalities. I remember figuring this out early when I saw how different the boys were from the start. Danny would fight sleep hard. I distinctly remember 6 mo Daniel bouncing, making all the noise the jiggly things on the bouncer could possibly make. Smiling. Living his 6 month old life to the fullest. At 10 PM!!! He was born a night owl. Baby Dirty on the other hand, cashed out hard closer to 7:30pm regardless of what was going on in his life. While the time has been pushed back, he’s still the guy to fall asleep when his body says he’s done no matter what’s going on.

While I’m sure Daniel’s innate ability to stay awake late hours was incredibly helpful in his college success, I know it was that self-determination that really got him there. Was this always a helpful trait in things like say, parent/child relations? Fuck no. Was is needed? Absolutely.

Daniel’s launch into adulthood was more than a little rocky. He had to do it on his terms. His terms didn’t match my needs, sooooo…..there’s that. There was “an incident” that led an abrupt departure from home. I’m sure we’d both define it as the other being unreasonable. He stayed at the home of his girlfriend for some weeks. Like John Wick, I was excommunicado. I only got to be a part of his prom experience because they’d driven somewhere I’d seen them and I ran them down a lil bit. At his graduation, his primary time was spent with her family. It felt awful. Like maybe I’d failed. But we got through it.

It occurred to me that the shit show from two years ago was needed to get to this moment. You know who gently launches into adulthood without strife? Often not the same people who can thrive in the situation like Daniel’s. It was yet another example of that classic expression that the only difference between our strengths and our weaknesses is the extent to which we use them.

Thursday evening he graduated from Delta Junior College. It was surreal. We were all there. He was happy to have us there. He wanted us included in his day. HIS day. If there’s something he wants, there’s not a barrier that can stop him. He’ll not be swayed by ploys of guilt, peer pressure, or rants. The very skill set that stresses me out sometimes, makes him the great human that he is.

So, with that it’s fitting that the boy who, on his own, decided that he’d grow out a glorious head of hair the entire time he was in college; will be today cutting that magnificent mop off. Not because the opinions of others, but because he’s decided.