Bodybuilder? Me?

(This blog entry is brought to you by caffeine and cookies)

I think everyone should have a challenge. Ways to push themselves to grow. The whole “blah blah if it doesn’t challenge you it won’t change you” mantra makes total sense to me.

Soooo,…I looked for a challenge, and boy did I find it in trying to see if I could be a competition body builder.

Over the last 12 weeks I’ve worked my a** off both literally and figuratively. I lost 17 pounds. My body fat changed from 20.72% to 11.2%. I learned how to walk in 6 inch stilettos. I got my first spray tan. I set new PRs on my back squats. I hip thrusted 275 pounds! I ate no less than 84 boiled eggs, and completed no less than 126 workouts. I practiced my poses, a lot. I measured every meal, and even packed food when traveling or being gone from my house for more than a couple hours.

There were days when I felt absolutely ready. Days when I see myself in that sparkly micrometer of fabric and think “Damn! Who IS that?!” Days where I couldn’t wait to get out there and metaphorically say “look what we made!”

There were also days when I would see some of the other women as they are working just as hard and nearly started to panic. I don’t look like them. Am I going to embarrass myself? Is it going to be one of those awkward situations where my friends and family have to try to build me back up with comments about “you’re good at charts” or “think how good your credit score is”?

It all made me think a lot about body image stuff. Between lifting and posing practice, I bet I’ve seen myself in a mirror even more than even young Dirty sees himself. (Seriously, any reflective surface and he’s flexing in it). It’s been incredible to watch parts change. I had no idea there were so many veins  in a stomach. But I also started to hyper focus. Are there too many veins in my stomach? I want just a little more blah here, just a little less blah here. It made me a little sad. I didn’t enter this to feel anything but good about myself. It made me worry that I was veering off course.

I had sooooo much support. Family (*), friends, coworkers, new bikini friends. *The boys were kind of supportive. They tried to pretend it wasn’t happening, which I get. Who wants to think of their 47 year old mom in a rhinestone thong? But they also didn’t get in the way of it. Once, Dirty poked my tricep. That’s teen boy for “I’ve noticed you’re making gains here. Great job!”

I would have loved to win for my biggest supporters. Bring home some epic piece of weaponry hardware. That’s not how it happened. Mad props to the winners. They earned it. I was second in a division of three, and didn’t place in a division of five. And for the briefest of moments I was feeling bad about myself. Now I was REALLY off course. If I wasn’t me but saw me feeling bad for me, I’d want to throat punch me. I built a body I wanted, and still thought it wasn’t enough. It doesn’t get much more unhealthy than that.

So what to do with that negative energy? Duh! Go work out. It helped me remember that the journey was the purpose all along. I entered this to give me a target, some very specific focus to my workouts and diet. I wondered if I could, and then I did. I’ve got no shame in that game. Also, have you seen my abs!? (bwah ha!)

I learned a lot during this. I learned how food and stupid cardio can change your world. I was reminded of the value of leaning on experts. I learned new lifts to attain very specific results. (I very highly recommend the folks that worked with. Tell them your health goal, they will get you there.) I was coached to being the most lean with the most amount of muscle I’ve ever attained. I learned that even though I possess the discipline to prep for this, I could also still succumb to harmful self comparisons. But; in the end, I took my dangerous, outsider self out there and showed my work. (Just like in algebra tests in high school, but in rhinestones).

So, I did a body building competition. Am I a competition body builder, meh? Even though I veered off course a little, was it worth it? Absolutely! This is up there with some of the other amazing experiences in my life where I’ve walked away with “no ragrats.” Not even one letter.